Something Unexpected (word to gordman's)

There was no way I could let 2020 go by without getting an annual post in. I actually completely forgot I have this blog, I'm incredibly happy I can see my random musings from the last 6 years of my life. Something unexpected is how much even the oldest posts inform who I am as a person today. My posts are a reminder that my values and the places I derive pleasure from have been consistent throughout my "adult" life thus far and I'm guessing they'll remain that way.

Something unexpected is how close I am to be done with school forever. I have one semester left of law school and I have the job I really wanted lined up waiting for me to cross the (likely virtual) graduation stage. I remember my first week of law school feeling like the longest week of my life. I remember my fifth week when my Civil Procedure professor said "we're a third of the way through the semester" and I thought to myself, "wow, alright, just have to do this 17 more times." 

This year has been a blur, completely unexpected. It's almost cliché at this point to even complain about the phrase "unprecedented times." It's funny how law school sets you up to know your future ridiculously early but the world can rip that right from you. I never thought I would spend any more than a few nights in my childhood bedroom after leaving for college, but now I'm on month 8.

I didn't expect to leave California so abruptly. I didn't expect the closest relationship I've ever had with somebody to end. I didn't expect to be so frightened for my future. 

But I didn't ever expect to feel so much love.

Moving back to Iowa has allowed me to reconnect with some of my oldest and best friends. I love seeing 

Something Final

I thought of the name of this post and then I realized that I had another draft with the same name. I never finished that draft but it said:

"Well, I've made it...kind of. I'm at the final week of my first semester of college which can only mean one thing, finals.

This blog post is probably going to be about a bunch of nothing because I'm mostly using it to procrastinate studying but hello all!

This semester has honestly been the best 16 weeks of my life. Everyday was something different,"

2014 was truly quite some time ago. I didn't start writing this post to reflect on the passage of time, but shit like that always gets me. Like, how is it possible that my five year high school reunion is this summer? I vividly remember going to graduation. How is it possible I've almost completed a year of law school? I vividly remember applying and flying all around the country to visit.

I have no reason to sugar coat it. Law school is hard. That's not revolutionary, everybody knows that. But law school isn't hard for the reasons why you'd think it's hard. There's no rote memorization of random statutes. There's nobody ripping out the pages of library books. There's not even a "look to your left, look to your right" speech.

It's hard because it's a competition. It's hard because I'm lacking direction. It's hard because I don't care about winning.

Academics and philosophers will have you believe the law is evidence of man's excellence in being able to create a society built on justice. Spend one week in law school and you'll learn how far that is from the truth. It's no secret that the law benefits certain populations of people and harms others. People, even the Founding Fathers, are self-interested *gasp*.

Our reliance on precedent is one of the reason's why the scholars love to think the law is just. While this reliance would seemingly create semi-predictable outcomes, the lack of complete structure to fully adhere to it creates a system that more closely resembles disguised random decision making.

Wow, this wasn't supposed to be a legal system rant but here we are. I'm really lacking the motivation to study for finals. It is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I don't study that hard, I can't be disappointed if I don't do well. It's the absolute worst attitude to have but I don't know how to remedy it. The thing about first year is that it can actually define your entire future, but here I am, typing up a blogpost.

I'm starting to crave a life outside of school. A life not defined by profession. But here I am, in professional school. Oh well. I guess I ought to study for finals.

Something Changing

Would it be a blog post without me recognizing that I have gone a copious amount of time without posting?

Life is weird. We are constantly told that through growth and exploration we change as people. By taking on multiple experiences we find out who we truly are. For the last four years I genuinely thought I was doing that. After reading through my old blog posts, I realize that I fooled myself in thinking that I have changed. More importantly, I may have been fooling myself all along in thinking that was the goal.

When I started this blog I was a 17 year old, recent high school graduate who was trying to get a handle on the world. I thought I was pretty smart but knew I still had a lot to learn.

As I write this post, I am a 21 year old, recent college graduate who is trying to get a handle on the world. I think I'm pretty smart but I still have a lot to learn.

Reading through my old blog posts was an interesting exercise for me. Up until right now, I really thought I had drastically changed as a person. You know what "they" always say, "the only thing constant in life is change." I thought that after spending two years in the dorms, a semester in France, and two years in my first apartment that I would have for sure changed. I even tricked myself into thinking that I really did change.

The realization came when I read an old post about my Chicago trip. I included an anecdote about how we wandered around and got lost at night. On the surface it was an awful situation but now it makes for a funny story, something I explicitly said in the post. Just a few months ago some friends and I went out in Des Moines and lost our car downtown. We wandered around for a full hour going block by block until we finally found it. Again, the whole time I thought it was hilarious and would make for a good story. When I told my friend that it was actually a pretty funny situation, I thought I was discovering a revolutionary fact about myself: I place a lot of value in positivity finding the good in bad situations.

Turns out, I had already came to that conclusion 4 years prior, I just hadn't realized how important it was to me. Several other posts insinuated themes that align with my value system without me realizing it.

I do not believe that we change as people. I do not think our values end up being all that different from what we started with. I recognize that on the surface this is an extremely conservative worldview, but I'm not saying those values and beliefs go unchallenged. What has changed for me has not been my values, but my understanding of my values. That should be the goal: to understand yourself more, not change yourself.

When I was studying abroad I met people from all over. I travelled throughout several places in Europe and saw fascinating historical sites and artifacts. As somebody who values the joy that comes from understanding anything and anyone, it was an amazing semester for me. There were, however, some times during the semester when I thought to myself, have I really changed? Every study abroad blog and promotion touts about how life changing of an experience it is and my whole time there I kept feeling like something was missing.

It wasn't until about a year after I returned that I realized that, I hadn't necessarily changed, and that was okay. My happiness came from doing things that I enjoyed. I was indulging my values and in learning about everything from old monuments to the French language, that sense of fulfillment did in fact change my life, but it did not change me.

My young ignorance is what most likely led to the conception that people change with experiences. In the last four years I have developed a more complete understanding of myself and my values and that, in turn, has made more more confident and sociable. While that technically is a change in how I act, again, it is not a change in who I am.

I by no means know everything about myself or my values yet. I don't think I ever will. I do, however, want to do whatever I can to gain that understanding. I think one of the best ways to do that is by putting myself in a new environment. This Fall I will be studying law at the University of California, Berkeley. As silly as it sounds, I have every intention of changing the world.

Again, this is not really a change for me. I have thought about going to law school forever and I have always wanted to have an impactful life. I just feel more comfortable articulating it and feel I am making a well informed decision. As always, I am looking forward to my next step. I cannot wait to further change the way I see myself, and hey, that's something.

Something Harder

Another year another post I suppose.

Here we are, living in the year 2017 and here I am, ending the fifth season of One Tree Hill for the third time of my life. Many things have occurred in my life since my last post, so many that I can't even begin to describe them here. I've taken multiple opportunities to step out of my comfort zone, I've fooled people into thinking I'm some sort of extrovert, I've fallen in love and gotten right up out of it, I've met some very impactful individuals, I've travelled many places and made plans to travel even more. There's one thing that I haven't really been doing though: trying hard.

From the outside, my life looks very good, we all go to great lengths to paint this picture, especially on social media. Nobody wants to be seen as the dopey guy. That's a reason I've neglected this blog, it makes me reflect and I don't like feeling like I'm a sad person. There was a time in my life when I would classify myself as that, but not anymore-- but I digress. From the outside, I look like a social butterfly, I talk to several people across campus, I excel academically, and am an active participant in my university community. Really, my life actually is pretty good, but things aren't always as they seem.

If there was one word that I would really use to describe myself, it would be a generalist. I know a little bit about a lot of things. I have shallow relationships with a large number of people. I have a lot of really good ideas, but I never truly execute them fully (this blog, a workout routine, whatever). This creates a life that has a lot of temporary entertainment and joy, but it also creates a life that severely lacks sustenance.

I shy away from anything that really takes hard work and large amounts of dedication. I have two majors a minor, a certificate an a very solid GPA. Again, something that sounds impressive, but is actually fairly easy. I do the bare minimum to do well, meaning I'm definitely the kind of person who is willing to give about 93% (just enough for an A). I've come to realize that I need to try harder in all of the things I do. There's a lot buried in that 7%. There are going to be a lot of rewards in that 7% and it might take a lot of commitment, but that is something that I'm willing (and needing) to dedicate myself to.

This isn't the first time I've thought about this. I have been thinking recently though about how detrimental it is and how much of life I'm truly missing out on. There are so many opportunities in the world but they only mean something when you try hard enough to commit yourself to making them mean something.

Something Indecisive

I can't believe that it's almost been a year since I've blogged. The funniest part about that is that I have had so much to talk about. Between completing my first year of college, making awesome friends, travelling, and having amazing experiences I think I just got caught up in what was happening. Like I said in a previous excuse, I haven't really had a lot of time to collect my thoughts like I used to, I have been busy doing so many things.

That being said, I'm not really sure how much I need to take the time to think and vent like I did when I originally started this blog. I was in a very interesting place in my life. My best friend hated me and I was about to go to college, a really interesting combination. Through my time in college, as cheesy as it sounds, I really learned a lot about myself. I realized how much of an impact thinking positively has been. I realized that there are so many opportunities in the world. I realized that I am just getting started.

All the time in college you are told to do as much as you possibly can, sometimes you do it because you know it will look good on a resumé, sometimes you do it because you want to meet new people, and sometimes, you do it for yourself. When you're not being told to make the most of your time in college, you're being told to think of what to do with your future. As a double major in Political Science and French and a minor in Statistics this often indirectly comes in the form of, "so...what do you want to do with that?" Most of the time I just tell people I'm going to law school because that's what political science majors do and I am too afraid to tell them that I really do not know. I might end up going to law school one day, I might work on Captiol Hill, I might work in Student Affairs at a University, who knows?

Recently, I've noticed a lot more things telling people to focus on the journey they're on rather than the destination. I am clearly a person who has been focusing on the journey. I've gotten involved in so many amazing organizations on and off campus and I've been having a great time. Unfortunately, I know that my journey at my college will be coming to an end in a few years and I have to do something after that. I have no clue what the next destination is, which makes enjoying the journey a little difficult for me.

Something In A Friendship

I'm aware two months is a very long time but hello :)

Today I wanted to talk about a friendship that has had an extremely large impact in my life this last year. I was friends with this guy, I might even dare to use the words best friends. We saw each other every single day and when we didn't see each other we would talk on the phone for hours, all the good stuff. My biggest problem with him was that I never actually felt like I meant that much to him. He meant a lot to me, he was my best friend after all, but it just seemed so easy for him to ditch me for his other, friends. Friends he had known for a longer time. The thing about me is, if I don't have somebody's undivided attention I feel left out. If you knew me, you'd know that I'm cool enough to deserve that. <--Self love, we gotta have it folks :)

So we were friends for about two years and this summer, a week after my graduation (he's a year younger than I) we got in our 683rd fight. This was not like any other fight we had been in before, the details are unimportant. the sparknotes version is that he ended the call telling me to forget about him. I was devastated. My best friend during the latter half of high school had just told me he wanted nothing to do with me. It was extremely difficult for me to understand the natural cycle of friendships because this had never happened to me before (Like I said before, I'm pretty awesome)

I spent the whole summer thinking about him everyday, going into stalker mode, sending texts, snapchats, facebook messages...even emails. All were lead to no response. I couldn't be in my house without thinking about him. My room was the worst place because that's where I had gotten the news. I kept myself distracted during the day by hanging out with my other friends, it worked...for a while.

I went off to college and sent him a final message. No response. The thoughts started decreasing, I'd only think about him a couple times a week as opposed to a couple times a day. And then about two months ago I saw that I had a voicemail on my phone. It was my best friend who had abandoned me. I had no idea how to respond, my life had been virtually drama free up until that point. I returned his call because he meant a lot to me. We talked for a while and I believe by the end of the conversation we decided to be friends again....That's what I thought.

The friendship is completely different now. I'll text him occasionally and he'll respond even less frequently. It's just the weirdest thing in the world. Going from talking to somebody all day everyday to barely being able to send a couple of messages back and forth. It still hurts my heart to think about.

Even though this situation has probably provided me with the most confusion in my life, I am extremely grateful for it. It has taught me that not everything will turn out the way you expect it to. Relationships with other people will change and you literally can't control it. You just have to go along for the ride and see where it takes you.

That's the something about friendship. There's something worthwhile in every single one, no matter how deep, no matter how long. There's something they can teach you, just be patient for the lesson to come.

 
PS- I realize that I have probably painted my friend to be quite the douchebag in this post but just remember, there are two sides to every story and I wouldn't want to discredit his.

Something like College

Wow, so much for dedication am I right? I apologize to my incredibly high readership for not posting for two months. But let me tell you about the last two months in one word. Amazing.

Don't think for a second I forgot about this blog, there were times that I really wanted to get back to it. Get back to exploring the "purpose" in life or whatever you want to call it. The thing is, I have not had the time to just sit in collect my thoughts and formulate them into meaningful strains of words.

That's the thing about college, you have to spend so much time thinking that you don't really have the time to actually think. There's always another page to be read, another paper to be typed, another 5 minutes of sleep to have...Bottom line, college is busy but I don't think I've wasted a single minute of it.

I moved to Iowa State on August 19th. What a day that was, leaving home, saying goodbye to my best friends, everything. The strange thing about all of that was that I wasn't upset about it one bit. Sure I knew I was going to miss my friends and family but I was way too excited for all the new experiences I knew I would have in college. And those experience have been great.

Going to a state school just under an hour away from home really didn't give me an excuse to be homesick, sometimes it feels like my entire high school just came up here. Other times it feels like an entirely different world. Rather than go through every experience I've had, every friend I've made, I'm just going to talk about some random things that I've learned.

Public Transportation: It's extremely useful, if you can figure it out.

Homework: Take your time on it and you might be okay, this isn't high school, copying during the free period before just doesn't fly anymore.

Studying: Let me know.

Group Projects: You can meet some cool people and also the people with whom you don't want to be stuck on a desert island.

Jobs/Careers/Future: You have a major but you can do so much more.

There are definitely things that can be added to this list as well as things that clearly need to be expanded upon. Hopefully that can be the topic of future blog posts. Don't worry, you didn't get rid of me just yet!

I apologize if you are offended by the lower level of diction being used, I'm in college now so I don't have the time to exert myself in thing of profound things to say in profound ways. Also, I'm 17 years old, bye. :-)